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| Metro Moments January 15th, 2007 Why do parents give a full adult place to children? I mean this in all senses. Children don't need a whole seat in a metro car. Especially when they don't sit on it properly. Why do they give them the privilege if they decide not to use it. I was deeply considering sitting on the seat when the kid insisted on standing between the seat and his father's legs. That would have taught the father not to give SO much importance to his child in the face of all the tired adults staring at this empty seat. Too bad, he left at the station right when I was taking my resolution to do this. I don't mind if that happens at non-rush hour. But please, be sensible. January 16th, 2007 That's so nice. A girl roughly my age warned me she was getting off to let me take her seat. Usually people won't say anything and get up and squish the rest of us while the seat remains idle and useless until they get off. In this case, it was a courteous exchange. Both of us helping in the balance of comfort in the metrocar. Smart woman. She made my day. Asides in the Metro February 26th, 2007 It seems surreal to me now. That a few paces back in time, I was in a complete other place. From my standpoint now, how can I know it really happened? For all I know, it could have been a trancendental experience. I may have simply transported myself in mind and spirit. Perhaps it was all an illusion. But I'm thankful to say it wasn't "just my imagination". I have proof. Yet, it still feels surreal; my whole body was transported miles away. And as a result of this, part of me will always remain there. Or perhaps the opposite is closer to reality. Will I feel this way everytime I am transported? If so, there will be numerous "me's" across the planet. But everytime parts of me will be substituted by the numerous memories of cities and people. I can't wait. March 4th, 2007 There's always one in a blooming relationship that has to act the disinterested one. Why can't it be the both are openly interested by showing the scope of their emotions? I can think of a reason however. It's (as always) possibly the fear of rejection; the belief that if you show your enthusiasm more than the other that you risk being hurt for your naiveté. This belief comes from past experiences, from the memories that everytime you wanted to show your whole self for what you were or opened up too quickly, the other became either intimidated, scare or was plainly not interested. And this is when the game begins. People don't open up and because one thinks the other is not interested, they close up in turn.
And that's the end of something that could have been. That's why I just can't be so naive anymore. I know exactly what state that will lead me to. But then, why am I so unhappy? | | |
| Ahhh... frustration. It's always there. I know I'm being a downer in my latest posts. It's pretty weird not being home for so long and still being in the same city. But that's the way it is... I'm starting to wish I lived right next to school. But that would just be selfish of me, and I know I'd somehow regret it. I saw my dad today and my sister. Things are always the same when I see my dad, he's just so self-centered. I just shut myself out now, I don't even wish to hear what he's saying. If he can't listen to me, why shouldn't I return the favor? I can't seem to accept him for who he is... I probably never will, thus I shut him out. I never talk about him, but deep down it fucking sucks. It feels like he's never played a huge role in my upbringing other than causing me turmoil. He never did anything to intentionally hurt me, but his acts of omission feel so much worse. Say he asks me a question which I answer to, not even 2 min. later he'll ask it again because he didn't care to pay attention the first time. He's always jumping to something relating to himself, what kind of love is that? It's self-love, narcism. I detest it. DETEST IT! He's always warning me about men; that they take advantage of girls when they're in vulnerable positions, that they're "all" jerks, but what he doesn't realize is that he's describing himself, because he doesn't wish me to fall in the trap he's concocted for all the women in his life. At least that is one of the fatherly instincts he has, but to me... it's all bullshit, everything he does is for self-gratification. Probably one of the only things I can owe to him is having developed in me a radar for jerks and users. He doesn't know any better, and somehow my mother is able to tolerate him... I've had 19 years and I still can't. I don't know when I'll get over it, when I'll be able to accept him for who he is. Sometimes I feel bad for him, I feel bad that he was never able to learn from his mistakes, that his daughter doesn't look up to him but wishes to be anything else BUT him. I admire my sister for being able to still say she loves him, to still care or at least display that affection towards him. For me... it's just gone, or it was simply never there. The only time I'm a heartless bitch is with him. I've said so many horrible things to him, to others about him, but all I've ever said was the truth... plain and simple. And no matter what I say to him, how many times I've taken time to make him understand the mistakes he's done, he's still never willing to learn from them, to understand and try to change. I've said this before, and I'll say it again; I give up.
He complains he knows nothing that goes in my life, but it isn't a surprise when all you want to do is talk about yourself. There are times when he'll be over at my house having dinner or tonight for instance at the restaurant, where I'm telling people what's going on, what I'm planning to do in the near future and he simply zones out because it's not about him or he somehow interupts and completely changes the subject. I can't take it... how can fathers be so inconsiderate. | | |
| Tiny Vessels |
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This is the moment that you know,
That you told her that you loved her, but you don't.
You touch her skin and then you think,
That she is beautiful, but she don't mean a thing to me.
Yeah, she is beautiful, but she don't mean a thing to me. I spent two weeks in Silver Lake,
The California sun cascading down my face.
There was a girl with light brown streaks,
And she was beautiful, but she didn't mean a thing to me.
Yeah, she was beautiful, but she didn't mean a thing to me. I wanted to believe in all the words that I was speaking,
As we moved together in the dark.
And all the friends that I was telling,
All the playful misspellings,
And every bite I gave that left a mark.
Then tiny vessels oozed into your neck and formed the bruises,
That you said you didn't want to fade.
But they did and so did I that day. All I see are dark gray clouds in the distance moving closer with every hour.
So when you'd ask, "Is something wrong?"
I'd think, "You're damn right there is, but we can't talk about it now.
No we can't talk about it now." So one last touch and then you'll go,
And we'll pretend that it meant something so much more.
But it was vile,
And it was cheap,
And you are beautiful but you don't mean a thing to me.
Yeah, you are beautiful but you don't mean a thing to me.
Yeah, you are beautiful but you don't mean a thing to me. - Death Cab for Cutie |
I'm feeling melancholic again... these songs really seem to inspire that feeling in me. This song just reflects what most of us have been through at some point in time. It's hard to have lived something with anyone and just realize it meant nothing in the end. That there is nothing you can do to change another's feelings despite how strongly you are feeling. I keep so busy so as to not think about the emotional side of things. And in these moments, I just want someone close to me, in all the sincerity of friendship. Just someone that gets me, wants to know me for who I am. The sides are not always good, and as time passes by, I realize how I've become. I'm still the same person I was before, just more loaded with baggage. I've travelled to the past of my writings again, to a few years ago, to see just how naive I was. I was caught in that naiveté a little while back again, but at least I wasn't fatally disappointed. Why am I so optimistic all of a sudden? My hope has been rekindled, despite the melancholic feeling I'm having right now... it's kind of a beautiful melancholy; a beautiful imperfection. I love that idea, though I may be feeling a low, things are still seeming beautiful. So beautiful, it makes me sad, because their imperfection is so perfect. This has become a rant, but another peak in what goes on in my mind at times, when I listen to painful songs. The world just keeps on swirling in all its colours and I just can't stop it. Faster and faster... too fast to stop the colours from melting together. Too fast to differentiate reality from delusion. | | |
| Just the other day, the world was so beautiful outside my window.
But today, a thin greyish veil has covered my sky. It's amazing how one's fortune can drastically change one day to the next.
How what we have in the moment is so ephemeral and precious. Now starts the anger, the thinking and reflecting.
Should I be angry though?
I don't want to start blaming him or myself for the matter.
I think all it is I can do is immerse myself in this feeling of rejection,
of loss of something I didn't have enough time to explore. No questions asked.
I will never be able to put myself in another's mind.
So I should just accept what happens to me.
Remain peaceful. | | |
| The world is so beautiful outside my window. Just walk. Walk slowly, and you will see it too. Just feel the sun warming your face, feel the wind blow in your hair. Look up. Look at the trees and marvel at their complexity. Look at the beautiful colours that surround you. Look at the ground and realize how lucky you are to be standing there. We always say there is so much ugliness in the world, but if we just stop for a while and look around us, it is still there. The beauty of it all is still there. | | |
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